Politician Jokes

1     The Lights Are On, But Nobody Is Home

-- The sayings of George W. Bush Jr.

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If there is oxygen, that means we can breathe."

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." -- Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

2     Lost Balloonist

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a little more and shouted, '"Can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.

The woman below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist." I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

Well answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded,"You must be a politician."

"I am" replied the balloonist. "But how did you know?.

"Well" said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, its all my fault."