Financial Jokes

• The most successful financier was Noah. He floated stock, while everything around him went into liquidation.
• The most succesful female financier was Pharoah's daughter. She went to the Nile bank and floated a prophet.
• I saw a bank that said if offered 24 Hour Banking." But I didn't go in. I didn't have that much time.

1     Chasing The Mighty Dollar

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs ... I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City!

From there you can direct your huge enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?"

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta, and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends!"

2     Buying suits in London

After walking around London city shops for a few minutes, Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says, "Murphy, will you have a look at that shop over there. I thought that London was supposed to be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips." "So it is." Murphy says, "Paddy you're right so you are, will you have a look at that. Suits £10.00, Shirts £4.00, Trousers £5.00. I think that we should buy a job lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin." "So we would." Paddy says in agreement, "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay taxes and duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks that we're gonna export them and make our fortune, so he won't."

Murphy thinks and says,"Paddy, I've got an idea! You can do the best English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish so he won't."

"OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and look English." So the two visitors to England's illustrious capital city go into the shop, where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner.

Paddy then proceeds to do his best Phil Mitchell impression; "Awwwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer Whistle 'un Flutes', 20 'Dickie Dirts' and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind I'll be paying with the 380 'Pictures of the Queen' in me 'Sky Rocket'."

Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles, takes a look at Murphy as well then asks Paddy, "You're Irish aren't you?" Very surprised, Paddy replies, "Well, would ya believe it, if that isn't my best English accent. How did you know that we were Irish?"

The owner replies, "This is a Dry Cleaners, mate!!"

3     Cleaner with no email

An unemployed man applies for a job with Microsoft as a cleaner. The manager there arranges for an aptitude test. After the test, the manager says: "You will be appointed on the scale of $30 per day. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and advise you where to report for work on your first day."

Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address. To this the manager replies: "Well then, that really means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

Stunned, the man leaves the Microsoft office. Not knowing where to turn and only having about $10 left, he decides to buy a 10kg box of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells the tomatoes singly to office workers in the city for their lunch, at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. That's 3 times what he was offered as a cleaner, so it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes.

Getting up early and earlier every day and going to bed late and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short time. Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly afterwards for a pick-up truck. By the end of the first year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of several hundred former unemployed people, all selling vegetables.

Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life assurance. Calling an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order that he might forward the documentation.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned: "What, you don't even have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would have been by now, if you had been connected from the very start!" After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied: "Sure! I would have been a cleaner at Microsoft!"