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Amusing Children

   

A teacher collected these well known proverbs to discuss with her class of 6 and 7 year olds.

Better to be safe than.................... sorry.
Strike while the.......................... iron is hot.
It's always darkest before................ the dawn.
Never underestimate the power of.......... persuasion.
You can lead a horse to water but......... you can't make it drink?
Don't bite the hand that.................. feeds you.
No news is................................ good news.
A miss is as good as a.................... mile.
You can't teach an old dog new............ tricks.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll......... come up with fleas.
Love all, trust........................... no-one.
The pen is mightier than the.............. sword.
An idle mind is........................... the devil's workshop.
Where there's smoke there's............... fire.
Happy the bride who....................... the sun shines on.
A penny saved is.......................... a penny earned.
Two's company, three's.................... a crowd.
Don't put off till tomorrow what.......... you can do today.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and....... you cry alone.
None are so blind as...................... those that will not see.
Children should be seen and not........... heard.
If at first you don't succeed............. try, try, try again.
You get out of something what you......... put into it.
When the blind leadeth the blind.......... the one-eyed man is king.
Better late than.......................... never.

The teacher gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than....................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the..........................bug is close.
It's always darkest before............... Daylight Savings Time.
Never underestimate the power of..........termites.
You can lead a horse to water but.........how?
Don't bite the hand that................. looks dirty.
No news is................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a....................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new............math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning.
Love all, trust...........................me.
The pen is mightier than the..............pig.
An idle mind is...........................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's...............pollution.
Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is..........................not much.
Two's company, three's....................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as......................Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries.
You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind..........get out of the way.
Better late than..........................pregnant.
 

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

 

1.3     Lipstick story

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the teacher decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee mop, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror!

 

A schoolteacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with deskwork. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no discipline problems with any of his students that term.

   

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman passenger in the open-topped sports car ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mummy! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

A woman was trying hard to get the tomato ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mummy," the child said to her mother Then she added, "Mummy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up." The boy looked at her quizzically, and asked, "Why does it have to be a secret?"

When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spell bound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up. "See, Mummy. She doesn't like the skin either."

While watching my six-year-old daughter play with her cars and trucks, I prided myself on having raised her to play outside the confines of gender restrictions that had always frustrated me as a child. Beaming, I asked her about her game. "Well," she answered innocently, "the big truck is the daddy, this car is the mummy, and the little car is the baby."

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter - haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

Visiting St Patrick's Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter and her children were awed by the sight. The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my daughter asked if they'd each like to light one. She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles. "Do you have any questions?" she asked. "No," said the five-year-old, "but if there's a pony outside, it's mine."

A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation. His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn't help. Her son's memory was blank. Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the light of the world." The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said, "My mother is the light of the world."

A teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story, and as she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she came across Johnny who had drawn a man driving an old car. In the back seat was a scantily-clad man and woman. "It's a lovely picture," said the teacher, "but which story does it tell?" Johnny seemed surprised at the question. "Well," he exclaimed, "doesn't it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?"

 

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, " They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, "Thou shall not kill."

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

 

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive?

 

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mum, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker.

He had got into trouble at school and at home.

Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a good woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

 

Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Leroy

Leroy knew that wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year so he tore up the letter and started over.

 

Dear God, I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

Leroy

(Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So he wrote a third letter.)

 

God,I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!

Thank you, Leroy

(Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.)

By now Leroy was very upset.

He went downstairs and told his Mum that he wanted to go to church.

Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked as Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," she told him.

Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner.

Little Leroy went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there.

Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Leroy began to write his letter to God.

 

God, I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed, YOU KNOW WHO!

 

When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

If you throw a ball at someone, they'll probably throw it back.

Perfume - 110% lowest price Guaranteed.

School lunches stick to the wall.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.

Don't say that the "Last One is a Rotten Egg" unless you're absolutely sure there's a slow kid behind you.

If you don't like the birthday girl, don't go to the party.

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

Silence can be an answer.

 

The following were answers provided by sixth graders during a history test. (Some of the best humour is the incorrect spelling.)

  1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
  2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
  3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
  4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
  5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
  6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
  7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
  8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
  9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
  10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
  11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
  12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hotey. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
  13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
  14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
  15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
  16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
  17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
 

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into labour, she phoned for an ambulance. Due to a power failure at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her Mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3 year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!"

 

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exam results in Swindon, England. These are genuine responses - 16 year olds!

Geography

Sociology

Biology

English

Technology

 

1.18.1     At the Airport

Ever notice how a 4 year old voice is louder than 200 adult voices? Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mummy when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mummy that night.

They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mummy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mum was.

1.18.2     Playtime

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

1.18.3     Quiet

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why do we need to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

1.18.4     Doctor

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 yr. old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!'

Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

1.18.5     Whose Daughter?

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but my mother says I'm not."

 

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, "Don't."

"Don't what ?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve ... we have forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes, we do!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, (wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants).

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was really annoyed! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh ... yes." Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" the Father asked them both.

"I don't know." said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said,

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there is re-assurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be too hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are other children more awful than your own.

We child-proofed our home years ago and they're still getting in!

Be nice to your kids, because remember, they'll choose your nursing home in your later years!

 

A little boy walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, he made his daily trek to the elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the little boy felt concerned that her son would be frightened as he walked home from school and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child. Following the roar of thunder, lightning would cut through the sky like a flaming sword.

Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little boy walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. Another and another were to follow quickly and with each the little boy would look at the streak of light and smile. When the mother's car drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called to him, "What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?" The child answered,"I am trying to look nice. God keeps taking my picture."

 

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

 

A little girl wandered into the bathroom whilst her mother was having a bath, looking at her mother she said 'Mummy why is your tummy so big?'

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