Jokes

Amusing Children

Funny Things Children Have Said or Done.

First graders

A teacher collected these well known proverbs to discuss with her class of 6 and 7 year olds.

Better to be safe than.................... sorry.
Strike while the.......................... iron is hot.
It's always darkest before................ the dawn.
Never underestimate the power of.......... persuasion.
You can lead a horse to water but......... you can't make it drink?
Don't bite the hand that.................. feeds you.
No news is................................ good news.
A miss is as good as a.................... mile.
You can't teach an old dog new............ tricks.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll......... come up with fleas.
Love all, trust........................... no-one.
The pen is mightier than the.............. sword.
An idle mind is........................... the devil's workshop.
Where there's smoke there's............... fire.
Happy the bride who....................... the sun shines on.
A penny saved is.......................... a penny earned.
Two's company, three's.................... a crowd.
Don't put off till tomorrow what.......... you can do today.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and....... you cry alone.
None are so blind as...................... those that will not see.
Children should be seen and not........... heard.
If at first you don't succeed............. try, try, try again.
You get out of something what you......... put into it.
When the blind leadeth the blind.......... the one-eyed man is king.
Better late than.......................... never.

The teacher gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than....................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the..........................bug is close.
It's always darkest before............... Daylight Savings Time.
Never underestimate the power of..........termites.
You can lead a horse to water but.........how?
Don't bite the hand that................. looks dirty.
No news is................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a....................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new............math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning.
Love all, trust...........................me.
The pen is mightier than the..............pig.
An idle mind is...........................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's...............pollution.
Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is..........................not much.
Two's company, three's....................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as......................Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries.
You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind..........get out of the way.
Better late than..........................pregnant.

Caughtya!

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

• "Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
• "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mummy near the phone?"
• "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
• After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"
• "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!"
• "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
• "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
• "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
• "And what happened?"
• "Well, Mummy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
• "Oh, no! What about Uncle Fred?"
• "He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all dead too."
• There is a long pause.
• "Swimming pool? We haven't got a swimming pool! Is this 555-3097?"

Lipstick story

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the teacher decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee mop, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror!

Tough-guy Teacher

A schoolteacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with deskwork. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no discipline problems with any of his students that term.

The Facts of Life

• Childrens' ideas of how it all happens.
• To have a baby the mother has to lay an egg then the mail cracks it. Allan, age 8.
• When you're pregnant you become sicker, fatter and nastier every day. Marie-Ann age 9.
• If you put a man and a woman in bed together one of them will have a baby. Paul, 6.
• If you want to have a baby go to the library. Pierre, 8.
• A baby comes out of the mummy's tummy and bites the doctor, and the doctor smacks it, and it cries. Edward, 6.
• To have a baby you have to make love to someone who doesn't mind. Shelley, 7.
• The man next door has a baby in his tummy but it never comes out. Alistair, 9.
• First of all you get in love, get married, and get a baby. Or you can do it the other way round. Peter, 9.
• If you don't want a baby you should practise contradiction. Lyn, 9.
• Joseph's wife Mary had a immaculate contraption. John, 9.
• I nearly know how to have a baby but we don't do it till next term. Francis, 7.
• It's easier to have a baby if you are a cat. Paulette, 6.

Children's Comments

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman passenger in the open-topped sports car ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mummy! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

A woman was trying hard to get the tomato ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mummy," the child said to her mother Then she added, "Mummy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up." The boy looked at her quizzically, and asked, "Why does it have to be a secret?"

When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spell bound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up. "See, Mummy. She doesn't like the skin either."

While watching my six-year-old daughter play with her cars and trucks, I prided myself on having raised her to play outside the confines of gender restrictions that had always frustrated me as a child. Beaming, I asked her about her game. "Well," she answered innocently, "the big truck is the daddy, this car is the mummy, and the little car is the baby."

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter - haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

Visiting St Patrick's Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter and her children were awed by the sight. The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my daughter asked if they'd each like to light one. She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles. "Do you have any questions?" she asked. "No," said the five-year-old, "but if there's a pony outside, it's mine."

A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation. His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn't help. Her son's memory was blank. Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the light of the world." The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said, "My mother is the light of the world."

A teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story, and as she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she came across Johnny who had drawn a man driving an old car. In the back seat was a scantily-clad man and woman. "It's a lovely picture," said the teacher, "but which story does it tell?" Johnny seemed surprised at the question. "Well," he exclaimed, "doesn't it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?"

Don't Argue with Children!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, " They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, "Thou shall not kill."

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

Dead cat

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive?

• "Dead," she was informed.
• "How did you know?" she asked the pupil.
• "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
• "You did what!" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
• "You know," explained the boy, " I leaned over and went "Psst" in its ear and it didn't move."

Leroy

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mum, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker.

He had got into trouble at school and at home.

Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a good woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1:

Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Leroy

Leroy knew that wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2:

Dear God, I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

Leroy

(Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So he wrote a third letter.)

Letter 3:

God,I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!

Thank you, Leroy

(Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.)

By now Leroy was very upset.

He went downstairs and told his Mum that he wanted to go to church.

Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked as Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," she told him.

Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner.

Little Leroy went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there.

Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Leroy began to write his letter to God.

Letter 4:

God, I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed, YOU KNOW WHO!

Quotes From Little Children

When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

If you throw a ball at someone, they'll probably throw it back.

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School lunches stick to the wall.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.

Don't say that the "Last One is a Rotten Egg" unless you're absolutely sure there's a slow kid behind you.

If you don't like the birthday girl, don't go to the party.

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

Silence can be an answer.

Students' Answers

The following were answers provided by sixth graders during a history test. (Some of the best humour is the incorrect spelling.)

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hotey. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

Should kids witness a birth?

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into labour, she phoned for an ambulance. Due to a power failure at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her Mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3 year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!"

Students' ideas

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exam results in Swindon, England. These are genuine responses - 16 year olds!

Geography

• Q: Name the four seasons.
  • A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
• Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
  • A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
• Q: How is dew formed?
  • A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
• Q: What is a planet?
  • A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
• Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
  • A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

• Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
  • A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
• Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
  • A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
• Q: What are steroids?
  • A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

• Q: What happens to your body as you age?
  • A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
• Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
  • A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
• Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
  • A: Premature death.
• Q: What is artificial insemination?
  • A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
• Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
  • A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]
• Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
  • A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
• Q: What is the Fibula?
  • A: A small lie.
• Q: What does "varicose" mean?
  • A: Nearby.
• Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
  • A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
• Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
  • A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
• Q: What is a seizure?
  • A: A Roman emperor.
• Q: What is a terminal illness?
  • A: When you are sick at the airport
• Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
  • A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

English

• Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
  • A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
• Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
  • A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology

• Q: What is a turbine?
  • A: Something an Arab or Seikh wears on his head

Children's Voices

At the Airport

Ever notice how a 4 year old voice is louder than 200 adult voices? Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mummy when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mummy that night.

They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mummy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mum was.

Playtime

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

Quiet

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why do we need to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Doctor

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 yr. old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!'

Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

Whose Daughter?

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but my mother says I'm not."

Adam and Eve started it ...

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, "Don't."

"Don't what ?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve ... we have forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes, we do!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, (wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants).

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was really annoyed! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh ... yes." Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" the Father asked them both.

"I don't know." said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said,

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there is re-assurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be too hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are other children more awful than your own.

We child-proofed our home years ago and they're still getting in!

Be nice to your kids, because remember, they'll choose your nursing home in your later years!

Lightning

A little boy walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, he made his daily trek to the elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the little boy felt concerned that her son would be frightened as he walked home from school and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child. Following the roar of thunder, lightning would cut through the sky like a flaming sword.

Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little boy walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. Another and another were to follow quickly and with each the little boy would look at the streak of light and smile. When the mother's car drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called to him, "What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?" The child answered,"I am trying to look nice. God keeps taking my picture."

Operations

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

• The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
• The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
• The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
• They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze."
• The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
• The first kid says, "A circumcision."
• The second kid says, "Whoa! Good luck buddy! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

Eaten the baby

A little girl wandered into the bathroom whilst her mother was having a bath, looking at her mother she said 'Mummy why is your tummy so big?'

• 'Well you see' she said, 'Daddy has given me a baby.' going downstairs the little girl said to her father, 'Daddy did you give Mummy a baby?'
• 'Yes I did,' said Daddy smiling.
• 'Well,' said the little girl, 'I think she's eaten it!'

Animal Jokes

Short jokes

A bear went in to a cafe and sat on a seat with his paws on the counter.

• He said, "I'd like a salad sandwich and ................................................. a glass of lemonade."
• The waitress said, "Certainly, but why the big pause?"
• The bear replied, "I was born with them!"

• Question: How do you stop a herd of elephants charging?
  • Answer: Take away their credit cards.
• Question: Why do bees have sticky hair?
  • Answer: Because they use a honey comb!
• Question: Why do bees hum?
  • Answer: Because they don't know the words!
• Question: What is black and yellow and flies around with its legs crossed?
  • Answer: A bee looking for a B.P. station.
• What do you call a crocodile with a camera?
  • A snap shot.
• If horses wear horseshoes, what do camels wear?
  • Sandshoes.
• How do you get down from an elephant?
  • You don't. You get down from a duck.
• Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance?
  • Because he had no body to go with.
• When it's raining, what do you call a parrot under an umbrella?
  • Polyunsaturated.
• Why did the farmer take hay to bed?
  • To feed his nightmares.
• If a lizard loses its tail where does it get another one from?
  • A retail shop.
• What do John The Baptist and Kermit The Frog have in common?
  • Same middle name.
• Where do frogs hang up their coats?
  • In the croak-room.
• Did you hear about the two kangaroos who got married?
  • They lived hoppily ever after.
• How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?
  • Quite a phew!

There were once two skunks named In and Out. When In was in, Out was out, and when Out was in, In was out. One day when Out happened to be in, Mother Skunk sent Out out to bring In in. Out returned very quickly, bringing In. Mother Skunk was surprised. "How, in all this great forest," she asked, "did you find In so quickly?" "Oh, that was simple," said Out. "In-stinct."

Mary had a little lamb, His feet were black as soot, And into Mary's bread and jam, His sooty foot he put!

Animal Stories

The Preacher's Donkey

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unusual way, being the donkey of a preacher. The only way to make the donkey go, was to say, "Hallelujah!", and the way to make him stop was to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.

"Hallelujah!", shouted the man. The donkey began to trot.

"Amen!", shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. "This is great!", said the man.

With a "Hallelujah", he rode off very proud of his new purchase.

The man travelled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop.

"Stop", said the man, but the donkey kept on trotting along.

"Halt!", he cried, but the donkey just kept on going.

"Oh No! Bible! Church! Please Stop!" shouted the man, desperately trying to think of the words the preacher had used. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.

Finally in desperation, the man said a prayer, "Please, Dear Lord, please make this donkey stop before I go off the edge of this mountain. In Jesus' name, Amen."

As soon as he heard 'Amen' the donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

"Hallelujah!" shouted the man.

Puppies visit the Vet.

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to a veterinary clinic for their injections. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, the vet realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, the vet turned on the tap, wet his fingers, and moistened each dog's head when he had finished.

After the fourth puppy, the vet noticed the talkative client had grown silent. As the vet sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."

The Cat's Commandments

1. Thou shalt not feed me the same food twice.
2. Thou shalt not tell me what to do EVER!
3. Thou shalt not sit on my chair without permission.
4. Thou shalt not buy furniture I cannot ruin.
5. Thou shalt not feed the birds until I have positioned myself under a bush.
6. Thou shalt not take me to the vet in a cardboard box.
7. Thou shalt not buy a dog with teeth or legs.
8. Thou shalt not rev up the car when I am under it.
9. Thou shalt not put a lid on the goldfish bowl.
10. Thou shalt not disobey the above or I will piddle in places you will not find.

Smart Dogs

Five men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a computer tech, and the fifth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty incredible. But the accountant said his dog could do better.

He called to his dog and commanded, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist said his dog could do better.

He called to his dog and said, "Fallout, do your stuff." Fallout got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was more than a little impressive, but the computer tech knew he could top them all.

He said to his dog, "Hard Drive, do your stuff." Hard Drive crossed the room and booted the computer, checked for viruses, upgraded the operating system, sent an E-mail, and installed a cool new game.

Everyone knew that was a tough act to follow. They turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff, boy."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, erased all the files on the computer, assaulted the four other dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker's compensation and went home for a six-month paid sick leave.

Crashed Farmer

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm feeling just fine'?" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell y'all what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the......."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm feeling just fine!'"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was feeling just fine. Now several days after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was sayin', I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into the ditch on the side of the road and Bessie was thrown into the ditch on the other side of the road. I was hurtin' real bad. My leg was broke, my arm was broke, some of my ribs were broke, and I had a gash in my head. I didn't wanna move. But, I could hear ole Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in bad shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman come up on the scene. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' so he went over to her in the ditch. After he looked at her he took out his gun and put her outta her misery. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me in the other ditch. He said, 'Yer mule was in real bad shape. Two of her legs were broken, musta had some cracked ribs, and a bad gash in her head. I had to shoot her ... how're you feeling?'"

The Farmer and his Mule

An old West Virginia farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old

farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would

come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Grizzly bear attack

A man was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. As an atheist he did not believe in anything other than evolution.

"What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging toward him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light and suggested, "It would be hypocritical for me to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again, and the sounds of the forest resumed. Then the bear dropped his right paw ... brought both paws together ... bowed his head and spoke.

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful"

The Doberman and the parrot

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the cheque. By the way, don't worry about my Doberman dog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT under ANY circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the parrot drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Burgled

Returning home from work, a woman was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarised. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

Clever rooster

Bill the chicken farmer had hundreds of hens, called pullets, and several roosters to keep them company. He put bells on the roosters so he could track which were working.

His favorite rooster was ol' Brewster. Unfortunately, Brewster's bell wasn't ringing, so Bill went to investigate. Brewster had the bell in his beak, so he could sneak up on the pullets. Bill was thrilled, and entered Brewster in the county fair.

Brewster was a sensation. The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Prize, but also the Pullet Surprise!

Business Success Story

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer: " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

The Parrot

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,"I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away".

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something?"

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat! The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, Your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably ... dead."

He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan......."

Frog in bank

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. He says, "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a loan to take a holiday." When he tells her how much he wants, it is such a huge amount that Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed. The kind of knickknack you see on people's shelves of ornaments. Very confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral". She holds up the tiny pink elephant and says, "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".

The Talking Pet

A man decides that he wants a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet. He walks into the pet store and goes up to the service assistant.

'Excuse me, I want a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet'.

The service assistant says 'I have just the thing for you, it's a talking centipede'.

'Cool!' the man exclaims, 'I'll take it!'

The man takes the centipede home in his little box and places him on the kitchen table. He looks into the box and says, 'Hey centipede, what about you and me go to the pub for a beer?'

The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy thinks, 'I'll just go off for five minutes and come back and ask again.'

Five minutes pass and the guy returns to the centipede, 'Hey centipede, how about you and me go to the pub for a beer?' Again, the centipede doesn't answer him.

'Hmmmmm' the guy thinks to himself, 'I'll just go off and watch some TV, come back and ask him again'.

Half an hour passes and the guy returns to the centipede. 'I'll just ask him one more time' he tells himself.

'Hey centipede, how about you and me go to the pub for a beer?'

The centipede looks up at the man and says, 'For goodness sake man I heard you the first time, I'm putting my shoes on!

Short Jokes

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two boll weevils grew up in Mississippi. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

The Pig With a Wooden Leg

Well things had tightened up in the farming fraternity and the stockbroker was finding it pretty tough, No one was buying anything and weren't interested in selling much either, so he decided he had better get out of the office and onto the road to visit a few clients. Old Harry was a good bet, he dabbled in everything, a small dairy herd, some beef, some sheep, pigs, hens, even turkeys, besides growing a few crops.

Arriving at the farm the stockbroker decided to leave his car on the verge by the gate rather than unlatch the gate, haul the gate open, as the support post wasn't so upright nowadays, drive the car through, get out and close the gate, and then have to go through the whole procedure again on leaving. So he climbed over the gate, and walked up the drive.

As he was passing the pig pens he thought there was something peculiar about the way a big pig was stomping around. Taking a closer look he was amazed to see the pig had a wooden leg, had never seen a pig with a wooden leg. So he goes on up to the house and Harry's missus answers the door and tells him that Harry is round the back of the new haybarn fixing the tractor. Sure enough the stockbroker finds Old Harry in the shade at the back of the new haybarn fixing the tractor.

After the usual chatter about the weather, the downturn in the economy etc. the stockbroker asks Harry about the pig with the wooden leg. "Oh him's a rare pig is that one", says Harry, "Owes me life to that pig, a real fine pig he is". "How come" says the stockbroker. "Waal" says Harry, "Ya see this hyer new haybarn of ours, twasn't hyer the last time ya came was it?" "No it wasn't" says the Stockbroker "Why did you build a new haybarn?" "Waal" says Harry "T'other one got burnt down, and if it hadn't been for that pig I'd a been a gonna".

"Well that sounds interesting" says the Stockbroker "What did the pig have to do with it" "Waal it's like this" says Harry "It was a hot day, I'd been up early milking the cows. Then when I got them back to pasture, I needed to move the beef stock and discovered the fence was broken, after repairing that, I needed to muck out the pig pens which is a hot filthy smelly job. By then, it was soon going to be milking again, and I was fair nackered, so I went into the shade of the haybarn sat on a bale of hay, and lit a smoke. The next thing I knew was coughing and spluttering and then being dragged out of the barn. That there pig must have broken out of his pen, and grabbed me by me overalls collar and pulled me clear. By the time I started to come to, the barn suddenly errupted into flames, and the pig was standing over me lookin pleased with hisself" "Well how amazing" said the stockbroker "But what happened to his leg" "Waal, like it was Christmas coupla' months ago, and the Missus, she insisted on havin' a ham" said Harry, "And well, He's a rare pig that one, saved me life, couldn't bring meself to kill him."

Dead turtle

Little kid comes in crying, his pet turtle is dead. Dad goes outside, and sure enough there lies the turtle upside down next to the pond, no sign of life, they poke it , turn it up the right way, but all to no avail. Kid's really bawling by now so Dad says it's okay we'll buy another one, Kid bawls even louder, doesn't want another one wants his one alive. Dad thinks hard, "Guess we'll have to have a funeral" he says. "What's a funeral" sobs the little boy. "We invite a few of your friends over, we dig a hole, Put the turtle in a box and put it into the hole, cover it over, and say a prayer. Then we have a party, Crisps and cakes and biscuits, followed by jelly and icecream, then a treasure hunt and games".

Kid's looking happy now. "Can Tom and Jimmy and Roger come". "Yes son". "And can they stay the night". "Well that's okay if they are allowed to". And just then the turtle walks off and into the pond, it's come back to life. Kid starts bawling again. Dad says "Hey son everything is okay the turtle wasn't dead after all" Kid bawls away, won't be consoled. Dad says "What do you want me to do son" Kid says "Kill the turtle".

Jealous dog

Bill had been married for fifteen years and one night he took a friend home to dinner. As they entered the house Bill's wife came running up to him, threw her arms around his neck, and kissed him affectionately. "You're a lucky guy Bill" said his friend. "Married for fifteen years and you still get a welcome like that when you come home." "It doesn't mean a thing" said Bill. "She only does it to make the dog jealous."

Gorilla

A big gorilla hanging with both hands onto a branch high up a tree, a small gorilla lying crumpled on the ground underneath, big gorilla's saying "didn't I tell you not to scratch your bum with both hands at the same time?"

Talking Horse

A motorist's car broke down while on holiday touring Ireland. While he was staring at the engine perplexed, a black horse trots up, looks at the engine, and tells him how to fix it, then trots off. The motorist follows the horses instructions, and drives on to the next village where he stops for a clean up and a pint. he tells the bartender about his experience with the horse. "Was it a black horse or a white one?" asks the bartender. "A black horse" says the motorist. "You're lucky" says the bartender, "the white horse don't know anything about cars".

Last Chicken

A woman went into a butcher's shop to buy a chicken. The butcher produced a chicken, the last chicken he had for sale and the woman said, "Have you got one a little bit bigger?" "Just a minute," said the butcher and he disappeared into the back room with the chicken, where he plumped up the bird so that it looked bigger. Returning into the shop. he put it down on the counter and said, "How about this one?" "Fine" said the woman, "I'll take both of them."

Pretend Blind

A man tried to get on a British Airways flight with a little Yorkshire terrier under his arm. The stewardess told him that dogs were not allowed on board. So he went to the shop and bought a pair of dark glasses and a white walking stick. This time he was greeted by a different stewardess who said, "It's quite unusual to see a Yorkshire terrier as a guide dog sir, they're usually Golden Labradors." "You mean this isn't a Golden Labrador?" said the man in surprise.

Family Life

Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's.

Great Truths About Life That Adults Have Learned

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the joy.

Great Truths About Growing Old

1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

The Four Stages of Life

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

Success

• At age 3 success is ... not wetting your pants.
• At age 12 success is ... having friends.
• At age 16 success is ... having a driver's licence.
• At age 20 success is ... having sex.
• At age 35 success is ... having money.
• At age 50 success is ... having money.
• At age 60 success is ... having sex.
• At age 70 success is ... having a driver's license.
• At age 75 success is ... having friends.
• At age 80 success is ... not wetting your pants.

Things I Learned From My Boys

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 20 square house 4 inches deep.

A 3 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults' in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 20 kg. boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 3m. x 3m. room.

You should not throw cricketballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a cricketball a long way.

The glass in windows, even double pane, does not stop a cricketball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

Certain Lego pieces will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

Play dough and microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much jelly you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably do not want to know what that strange smell is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire brigade in most city suburbs has a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their own body weight when dizzy.

Financial Jokes

• The most successful financier was Noah. He floated stock, while everything around him went into liquidation.
• The most succesful female financier was Pharoah's daughter. She went to the Nile bank and floated a prophet.
• I saw a bank that said if offered 24 Hour Banking." But I didn't go in. I didn't have that much time.

Chasing The Mighty Dollar

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs ... I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City!

From there you can direct your huge enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?"

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta, and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends!"

Buying suits in London

After walking around London city shops for a few minutes, Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says, "Murphy, will you have a look at that shop over there. I thought that London was supposed to be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips." "So it is." Murphy says, "Paddy you're right so you are, will you have a look at that. Suits £10.00, Shirts £4.00, Trousers £5.00. I think that we should buy a job lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin." "So we would." Paddy says in agreement, "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay taxes and duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks that we're gonna export them and make our fortune, so he won't."

Murphy thinks and says,"Paddy, I've got an idea! You can do the best English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish so he won't."

"OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and look English." So the two visitors to England's illustrious capital city go into the shop, where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner.

Paddy then proceeds to do his best Phil Mitchell impression; "Awwwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer Whistle 'un Flutes', 20 'Dickie Dirts' and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind I'll be paying with the 380 'Pictures of the Queen' in me 'Sky Rocket'."

Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles, takes a look at Murphy as well then asks Paddy, "You're Irish aren't you?" Very surprised, Paddy replies, "Well, would ya believe it, if that isn't my best English accent. How did you know that we were Irish?"

The owner replies, "This is a Dry Cleaners, mate!!"

Cleaner with no email

An unemployed man applies for a job with Microsoft as a cleaner. The manager there arranges for an aptitude test. After the test, the manager says: "You will be appointed on the scale of $30 per day. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and advise you where to report for work on your first day."

Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address. To this the manager replies: "Well then, that really means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

Stunned, the man leaves the Microsoft office. Not knowing where to turn and only having about $10 left, he decides to buy a 10kg box of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells the tomatoes singly to office workers in the city for their lunch, at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. That's 3 times what he was offered as a cleaner, so it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes.

Getting up early and earlier every day and going to bed late and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short time. Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly afterwards for a pick-up truck. By the end of the first year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of several hundred former unemployed people, all selling vegetables.

Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life assurance. Calling an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order that he might forward the documentation.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned: "What, you don't even have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would have been by now, if you had been connected from the very start!" After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied: "Sure! I would have been a cleaner at Microsoft!"

Legal Jokes

Disorder in the Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. They are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the difficulty of keeping a straight face while these exchanges were actually taking place.

• Q: What is your date of birth?
  • A: July fifteenth.
• Q: What year?
  • A: Every year.
• Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
  • A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
• Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
  • A: Yes.
• Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
  • A: I forget.
• Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
• Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
  • A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
• Q: How long has he lived with you?
  • A: Forty-five years.
• Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
  • A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
• Q: And why did that upset you?
  • A: My name is Susan.
• Q. Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
  • A: We both do.
• Q: Voodoo?
  • A: We do.
• Q: You do?
  • A: Yes, voodoo.
• Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
• Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
• Q: Mrs. Jamison, were you present when your picture was taken?
• Q: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
  • A: Yes.
• Q: And what were you doing at that time?
• Q: She had three children, right?
  • A: Yes.
• Q: How many were boys?
  • A: None.
• Q: Were there any girls?
• Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
  • A: By death.
• Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
• Q: Can you describe the individual?
  • A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
• Q: Was this individual a male, or a female?
• Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice,which I sent to your attorney?
  • A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
• Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
  • A: All of them, all my autopsies are usually performed on deadpeople.
• Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
  • A: Oral.
• Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
  • A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
• Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
  • A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
• Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample.
• Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
  • A: No.
• Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
  • A: No.
• Q: Did you check for breathing?
  • A: No.
• Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
  • A: No.
• Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
  • A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
• Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?
  • A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

STELLA AWARDS - USA

In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million U.S. in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs,groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself. This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The ones listed below are clear candidates. All these cases are verging on the outright ridiculous and yet (in the good old USA) with the right attorney you could win anything!

1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little !#*$ was Ms. Robertson's son.
2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.
3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.
4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
7. And just so you know that cooler heads do occasionally prevail: Kenmore Inc., the makers of Dorothy Johnson's microwave, were found not liable for the death of Mrs. Johnson's poodle after she gave it a bath and attempted to dry it by putting the poor creature in her microwave for, "just a few minutes, on low," The case was quickly dismissed.

Whoops!

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the Chief gets back. So don't say another word!"

"But, officer, I just wanted to say ..."

"Hey - I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the Chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom!"

Don't Know the Answer

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde,who's tired,just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to get some sleep.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. "Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail. After an hour,he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb!

Mature Years

Humour for People Who Have Reached the Age of Maturity

Welcome to an age of discretion, discernment and discarding of outmoded ideas.

• Being over 40 doesn't mean being over the hill.
• Rather it means that you've climbed further up the mountain.
• So your view of life is more expansive,
• the knowledge gained is more extensive,
• and your toys are more expensive.

Ageing gracefully

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 30 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 30 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, " I didn't recognize you."

What I Want In A Man - Original List (Age 22)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want In A Man - Revised List (Age 32)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want In A Man - Revised List (Age 42)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want In A Man - Revised List (Age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm talking
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want In A Man - Revised List (Age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want In A Man - Revised List (Age 72)

1. Breathing!
2. Doesn't miss the toilet!

The Good Old Days

An American newspaper challenged readers to explain to today's youngsters how much harder life was in the old days:

In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.

In my day, we didn't have rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.

In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed barbarian warrior was chasing you with an axe, you just had to hope you could outrun him.

In my day, we didn't have dogs and cats for pets. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip.

In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We did addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had some fingers amputated.

25 Phrases Of Wisdom

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more thing to think of, than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Thoughts For The New Millennium

1. How come wrong numbers are never busy?
2. Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
3. Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
4. Does killing time damage eternity?
5. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
6. Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
7. Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
8. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
9. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
10. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
11. Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
12. Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
13. Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
14. Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
15. Do jellyfish get wind from eating jellybeans?
16. Do pilots take crash-courses?
17. Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
18. Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a coin?
19. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
20. Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
21. How can there be self-help "groups"?
22. How do you get off a non-stop flight?
23. How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
24. How many weeks are there in a light year?
25. If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
26. If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
27. If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
28. If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
29. If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still stroke them?
30. If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Guide cookies made out of?
31. If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
32. If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
33. If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
34. If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
35. If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
36. If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
37. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
38. Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
39. Why do they call it "chilli" if it's hot?
40. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

"You're Old When . . ."

1. You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
2. You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.
3. You enjoy watching the news.
4. The phone rings and you hope its not for you.
5. The only reason you're still awake at 4 a.m. is indigestion.
6. You're proud of your lawn mower.
7. You start singing along with the elevator music.
8. You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.
9. You routinely check the oil in your car.
10. You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style - twice.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenges.
12. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
13. 8 a.m. is your idea of "sleeping in.".
14. You write thank you notes without being told.
15. Neighbors borrow your tools.
16. You answer a question with, "Because I said so!".
17. Others ask for your recipes.
18. You start Christmas shopping in August.
19. You don't like to drive after dark.
20. You say, "Turn that music down!" too often.
21. You point out what buildings used to be where.
22. You know all the warning signs of a heart attack.
23. You rake the yard without being told to.
24. You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch t.v.
25. The service station attendant lets you pump your gas before paying.

Diagnosis

They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition. I have recently been diagnosed with Maturity Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it goes - I decide to wash the car. I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. Ok, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'll go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the rubbish bin is full. Ok, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the bin out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox later on, I'll pay these few bills at the same time. Now, where is my cheque book? Oops, there's only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk. Oh, there's my drink. I'm going to look for those cheques. But first I need to put my drink further away from the computer so it doesn't spill, or maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while.

I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water. I set the drink on the counter and notice, there are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I should put them away. I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots.

Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We will never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs. I splash some water into the pots and on to the floor, I throw the remote on to a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?

End of the day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the rubbish bin is still full, the drink is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the cheque book still only has one cheque in it and I can't seem to find my glasses, the TV remote or my car keys! When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG! Worse still I've just realised what the initials of my condition stand for. Maturity Attention Deficit Disorder. M.A.D.D.

Chocolate chip cookies

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...

"Get off," she said, "they're for the funeral."

Gynaecology Problem

A middle aged woman seemed nervous as she visited her doctor about a 'woman's complaint'.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange," suggested the woman.

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "Yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet, and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."

"Uhhuh"

"That night," she went on, "There were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."

"You're simply going through the change!"

I wish I could remember ...

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

Old Man

When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75-80 years old sitting on a park bench near and he was sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground brewed coffee."

I asked, "Well, then why are you crying?"

He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."

I asked again, "Well so why are you crying?"

He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00am."

I asked yet again, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

He sobbed, "I can't remember where I live!"

Senility prayer

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm 'older' here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. If all is not lost, where is it?
6. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
7. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
9. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
10. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter ... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

Signs of ageing

• Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
• You can live without sex but not without glasses.
• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
• You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You change your underwear after every sneeze.
• You have to write post-it notes with your grandchildren's names on them.
• Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
• You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
• "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

Have fun reminiscing

Go back in time.... Before the Internet and DVDs. Before shootings,stabbings, joy-riders and crystal meth...Before SEGA or Super Nintendo. Way back...

I'm talking about hide and seek in the park. The corner dairy, hopscotch, go carts, cricket in front of the rubbish bin, skipping, handstands, footy on the biggest lawn in the street, bullrush, go home stay home, slip'n'slide, the trampoline with water on it, hula hoops, pogo sticks, jumping in enormous puddles, mud pies and building dams in the gutter.

Summer lasted all holidays, and it hardly rained, and when it did you would see half your class at the pictures. The smell of fresh cut grass and making birds nests on the school field. 'Big bubbles no troubles' with hubba bubba bubblegum. A choc-top Mr Whippy cone on a warm summer night after you've chased him 'round the block. When 20 cents worth of mixed lollies was a meal and smoking fags was really cool. Watching cartoons on TV ... short commercials, the Thunderbirds, Scooby-do, Captain Caveman, Hong Kong Phooey, The Mickey Mouse Club, Josie and the pussycats, and "Hey he-eeeey heeeeeeey it's Faaaaaaat Albert". And staying up late on a long weekend and watching the Sunday Horrors.

When around the corner seemed far away and going into town seemed like going somewhere? A million mozzie bites, wasp and bee stings. Sticky fingers. Cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians, riding bikes and catching tadpoles. Swimming in the neighbours' pool, drawing all over the road with chalk. Climbing trees. Walking to school, no matter what the weather.

Running till you were out of breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt. Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights, spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for the giggles. Being tired from playing... Remember that? The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon. Chopper bikes, ape hangers and banana seats and long fluorescent flags streaming out behind your bike ... eating raw jelly, making homemade lemonade.

Remember when... There were two types of sneakers - girls and boys, and the only time you wore them at school, was for "sports day." You knew everyone in your street - and so did your parents! You would roller-skate everywhere - all day. It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends. You didn't sleep a wink on Christmas Eve. When nobody owned a pure-bred dog. When 20cents was decent pocket money and 50cents was rich. When nearly everyone's mum was at home when the kids got there from school. It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb. When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at Cobb and Co with your parents. When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.

When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to that which awaited a misbehaving student at home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! And some of us are still afraid of them!!! When you spoke to adults by calling them Mr or Mrs whoever, and Auntie or Uncle rather than their first names.

Remember when.... Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo." Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly". The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was a cold, and the worst thing in your day was having to sit next to one of the opposite sex. Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot. Nobody was prettier than your Mum. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better. Taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable vitamin C. Ice cream was considered a basic food group. Going to the beach and catching a wave was a dream come true. Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dare". Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.

If you can remember most or of these, then you have LIVED!

Enlightened Perspective

It takes a while to read these lines, by Andy Rooney, but they give an enlightened perspective.

I've learned that ...

• The best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
• Just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
• Having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
• Being kind is more important than being right.
• You should never say no to a gift from a child.
• I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
• No matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
• Sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
• Simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
• Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
• We should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
• Money doesn't buy class.
• It's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
• Under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
• The Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
• To ignore the facts does not change the facts.
• When you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
• Love, not time, heals all wounds.
• The easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
• Everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
• No one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
• Life is tough, but I'm tougher.
• Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
• When you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
• I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away.
• One should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
• A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
• I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
• When your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, you're hooked for life.
• Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
• It is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.
• The less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
• No matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
• You can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
• Regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.
• Making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life."
• Life sometimes gives you a second chance.
• You shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
• Whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
• Even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
• Every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
• People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

I've learned ... that I still have a lot to learn.

Medical Jokes

Doctors

Why was the doctor irritable? Because he had no patients.

Patient: "Doctor, what shall I do, I keep thinking I'm a dollar bill?" Doctor: "well go shopping, the change will do you good".

Doctor to patient about to have an operation. "Have you eaten?" Patient, "Yes." Doctor, "Good. I hate working on an empty stomach!"

Patient: Doctor my hands won't stop shaking. Doctor: Do you drink a lot? Patient: No, I spill most of it!

Patient: I feel like I'm a pack of cards. Doctor: I'll deal with you later.

Patient: I feel like I'm a pair of scissors. Doctor: Well, you can cut that out for a start!

Patient: I feel like a pair of curtains. Doctor: Now, pull yourself together.

Patient: Doctor, people keep ignoring me. Doctor: Next please.

Patient: Doctor, I feel like a cash register. Doctor: Come back later and tell me if there's any change.

Patient: Doctor, hurry! I have only 59 seconds to live. Doctor: Wait a minute.

A guy walks into his doctor's office. He has an apple in his right ear, a tomato in his left ear, and carrots up his nose. He says, "Doctor, what's wrong with me?"

The doctor looks him over and says, "You're not eating properly."

Carpentry

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered the patients' recreation room. He found one patient sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half, and another patient hanging from the ceiling by his feet.

The doctor asked the patient sitting on the floor what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor then asked him what the other patient was doing up on the ceiling. He replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."

The doctor looked up and noticed the man's face was going all red. The doctor asked the carpentry patient, "If he's your friend, shouldn't you get him down from there before he hurts himself."

The carpenter replied, "What? And work in the dark?"

Accidents

One day in Heaven two men got chatting about how they had died. The first said he was ill for a long time. The second man said he died in an accident. He went on to say he had survived several accidents before the final one. He explained that the first time he had severed an arm and nearly bled to death, but was fortunate that someone nearby stopped the bleeding, put his arm in a plastic bag, packed ice round it and rushed him off to hospital.

In the second terrible accident his leg got cut off below the knee, but again someone put his leg in a plastic bag, packed it with ice, and rushed him off to the hospital.

"So how did you die?" asked the other man.

"It was in another terrible accident, and I got my head cut off. Then some silly fool put my head in a plastic bag and I suffocated!"

Dislocation

A man was in hospital having his dislocated knee put back in the right place. He kept yelling with pain, and the nurse got annoyed with him.

"Don't keep making so much noise," she said. "There's a woman down the corridor who's just given birth to a baby and hasn't made nearly as much fuss as you have."

"That's all very well," said the man, "But you see what she sounds like if you try putting it back in again!"

Doctors' Comments On Patient Charts

• "Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."
• "On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."
• "The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."
• "The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed."
• "Discharge status: Alive but without permission."
• "Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."
• "The patient refused an autopsy."
• "The patient has no past history of suicides."
• "Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."
• "Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."
• "Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
• "She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."
• "She is numb from her toes down."
• "While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."
• "The skin was moist and dry."
• "Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."
• "Patient was alert and unresponsive."
• "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."
• "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."
• "The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."
• "Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."
• "Skin: Somewhat pale but present."
• "Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree."
• "By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better."
• "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."
• "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
• "Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."
• "The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."
• "The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."

Personality Types

Personality Differences!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Interpretations psychologist Karl Jung might have made of different personalities faced with the question, "Why did the chicken cross the road.?"

• ESFP: Oh! That reminds me of a story book I saw the other day... the chicken was so cute! Such lovely coloured feathers!
• ESFJ: It's very dangerous for chickens to cross the road alone these days. I hope he told someone where he was going before he left home!
• ESTJ: Well, I think there should be rules set up to stop this kind of behaviour.
• ESTP: Great guy, that chicken! We must invite him to our next party!
• ENFP: Wow! You should've seen him go! He just went head-down and feathers out, and raced across that road!
• ENFJ: I've never seen such a brave chicken. He's an inspiration to us all.
• ENTJ: Wouldn't it be great if these chicken movements were co-ordinated. Let's put our heads together and figure out how we can establish some sort of order here.
• ENTP: He had some pretty impressive movements while he was racing across that road, and I bet it was a lot of fun.
• ISTJ: That's interesting. According to the chicken manual they need to be 3 months old before they can cross the road.
• ISFJ: Hey, I never knew chickens could cross the road.
• ISTP: We really shouldn't question his motives for going across there. That's up to him.
• ISFP: As long as he got there all right and wasn't hurt, that's all we need to worry about.
• INFP: There's always that unatainable goal we're all searching for, somewhere over the rainbow, or even just across the road.
• INFJ: He must have been feeling lonely, so if crossing the road makes him feel good, then that's all that matters.
• INTP: That's an idea. I'll have to get around to building a bridge some time for chickens to cross on.
• INTJ: Actually, I have been wondering lately if chickens have some kind of migratory instinct. Hmmm, I'll have to do some research on it.

Personality Prayers

Myers-Briggs might have written these short prayers for the different personalities.

ENFJ: God, help me to do only what I can and trust you for the rest. Do you mind putting that in writing?

ENFP: God, help me to keep my mind on one th-Ooh! Look at that bird!-ing at a time.

ENTJ: Lord, help me slow downandnotrushthroughwhatIdoAmen.

ENTP: Lord, help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.

ESFJ: God, help me have patience, and I mean right NOW!

ESFP: God help me to take things more seriously, especially parties and dancing.

ESTJ: God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if you need some help, just ask!

ESTP: God, help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.

INFJ: Lord, help me to not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)

INFP: God, help me to finish everything I sta

INTJ: Lord, keep me open to other's ideas, WRONG though they may be.

INTP: Lord, help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.

ISFJ: Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

ISFP: Lord, help me to stand up for my rights (if you don't mind my asking).

ISTJ: Lord, help me relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 11:41.23 a.m.

ISTP: God, help me to consider other people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.

Politician Jokes

The Lights Are On, But Nobody Is Home

-- The sayings of George W. Bush Jr.

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If there is oxygen, that means we can breathe."

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." -- Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

Lost Balloonist

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a little more and shouted, '"Can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.

The woman below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist." I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

Well answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded,"You must be a politician."

"I am" replied the balloonist. "But how did you know?.

"Well" said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, its all my fault."

Religious Jokes

Jesus and the computer

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better at using the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and it will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

• They did spreadsheets.
• They wrote reports.
• They sent faxes.
• They sent e-mail.
• They sent out e-mail with attachments.
• They downloaded.
• They made cards.
• They did every known job.

But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming. "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"

God just shrugged his shoulders and said: Jesus Saves!

Modernizing the church

The elder priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had modern seats put in to replace the first four pews. It worked. We got the front of the church filled first."

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir that packed us to the balcony."

"So," asked the young priest, "What's the problem?"

"Well," said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But Father," protested the young priest. "People coming to Confession have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, my son, but the flashing neon sign 'TOOT 'N TELL OR GO TO HELL' has to go."

Irish girl

A good Irish catholic girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail and elderly. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing fur and diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said 'Hmmm they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London.'

The girl took his hands and said 'Dad - I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute.'

Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called. As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly.

"I'm a gonner - killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!"

"Please forgive me," his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."

Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. "Did you say prostitute? That was a close one - I thought you said Protestant.

Monks

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.

"The word is celebrate," says the old monk.

Fallen Women

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having 'fallen.'" The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week."

The Prawns

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten". As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hit the water and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonelyas a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn. While he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back into prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed ....... I'm a prawn again Christian!"

What Religion Is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies' department of a store and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

• "What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
• "Type?" inquired the man, "There is more than one type?"
• "Look around," said the saleslady, as she indicated a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
• "Actually," said the saleslady, "Even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
• Relieved, the man asked about the types.
• The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
• Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple ...

• The Catholic type supports the masses.
• The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.
• The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright.
• And the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

No fish under the ice

This novice fisherman really wanted to go ice fishing. He'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning a comfy campstool, he started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the fisherman moved further down the ice, poured a hot drink from the thermos flask, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The fisherman, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up the campstool, and tried again to cut a hole. The voice came once again, even louder. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The fisherman stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER!"

God's phone

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to instal voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1

For Spanish press 2

For all other languages (including Hebrew and Latin) press 3

Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for request

Press 2 for thanksgiving

Press 3 for complaints

Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to speak to:

God, press 1

Jesus, press 2

Holy Spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security number followed by the dollar sign. If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666.

For reservations to heaven, please enter ST JOHN followed by the numbers 3 and 16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life on other planets, why men and women are so different, etc, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, so please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local minister of religion.

Thank you, and have a heavenly day.

The Archbishop of Canterbury

The Archbishop of Canterbury was making his first official visit to the U.S.A. His advisers advised him that he would need to be careful in answering any questions. As he disembarked from the plane a group of media reporters descended on him, and one thrust a microphone at him an said 'Say Archbishop what do you think of all the brothels in Manhattan'. The Archbishop deciding on caution and possibly a little weary replied. 'Are there any brothels in Manhattan?'.

Next day the headline news in the daily paper was, First thing Archbishop of Canterbury asks when he arrives 'Are there any brothels in Manhattan?'.

Selling Bibles

The economic situation had been bad for some time, lots of people unemployed so the Bible Society decided to do something about it. In the old days sales people went door to door selling Bibles, so deciding to do something to help, they advertised for people to do this. They only received three replies, one a Methodist, one Presbyterian, and an Agnostic. The Agnostic had a bad speech impediment, but was very keen as no one else would employ him. They decided to give him a try as pay was by way of commission only. The first day started with a pep talk, and they were told to read a few favourite scriptures to potential buyers, each was given a supply of Bibles and told to report back at 4.00pm

All three were assembled at 4.00 and the administrator asked how they had got on. The Methodist said he sold six, the Presbyterian eight and the Agnostic forty two. The others looked at the Agnostic in amazement and asked how he had sold so many. Well he said iiit wwwas eeasy rererealy, wawawhen someone ooopened thththe ddddoor aaaI wwwould ppput mmmy ffffoot in ththe dddoor and aaaask ththem iiif ththey wwould lllike tatato bbbuy a BBBible...... or wwwould thththey lalalike mmme ttto rrrread iiit to thththem.

Pope Visiting America

The Pope was making his first visit to America. Headline news in all the papers and pictures of the Pope. the Mayor of New York the Senators and all the other local dignitaries assembled at the civic centre beforehand and set out in a cavalcade for the airport. Unfortunately they were caught up in a massive traffic jam soon after leaving and had to abandon their intention to meet the pope at the airport. The Mayor sent one of his aides to phone a car hire outfit at the airport to lay on the best limousine they had, and a chaufer to be dressed as resplendently as possible.

The plane landed and the Pope alighted and the chaufer, dressed in a dark green uniform, lots of gold braid,peaked cap, rows of medals, was there to greet him. The chaufer escorted his eminent guest to the stretch limousine they had supplied. When the Pope saw the stretch limousine his eyes lit up, unknown to most people he was a car fanatic, but of course due to his position he never got to drive any more, and had never been in a stretch limousine let alone drive one. Seizing his opportunity he managed to persuade the chaufer to sit in the back, while he, the Pope drove the limousine, the chaufer had been instructed to provide the Pope with his every wish, so he couldn't really argue. Well soon they were out on the motorway, the chaufer guiding on the intercom, heading in a roundabout way to avoid the congestion in the inner city.

Then there's the sound of a siren wailing behind them and a motorcycle cop pulls alongside waving them to pull over. the Pope stops the car and the cop parks behind, notes the number walks all the way to the front of the stretch limousine and checks the number, you never know it might be different. The Pope by this time has found the button that winds down the electric window. the cop struts up to the driver and says 'What's your hurry mate'. then he realises he is looking at the Pope. he looks in the back of the limousine then rushes back to his bike. He picks up the radiophone and asks for the Police Commandant. He says Boss I've really gone and done it this time I've pulled over someone very important. The Commandant says well who is it. is it the Mayor? No Boss, more important than the Mayor. Well is it the Senator? No Boss more important than the Senator. Well is it the President himself? No Boss, must be more important than The President, I don't know who he is, but the Pope himself is driving him in a stretch limousine.

The Hereafter

Two missionaries knocked on a door, an elderly lady answered. One of the missionaries said 'lady we've come to tell you all about the hereafter.'She was delighted to hear this and invited them in for a cup of tea.After they had picked themselves up off the ground, they accepted the 'in' but not the 'tea'.

Now tell me she said I have been wanting to know about the hereafter for a long while, I go into a room and look around puzzled. And I will do this a number of times a day, and I will say to myself 'What am I hereafter', So I am so glad you have come to tell me.

Three Ministers & St Peter and the Taxman

Many years ago there was a great drive in the Christian churches for unification, a great hullabaloo about the churches being one faith instead of all the divisions in Christendom. There was a big conference to be held in a city in the midlands. The ministers of a distant city decided to hire a coach to attend the meeting and thirty two ministers of various churches were on the bus.

During the dinner break three ministers were discussing the affairs of their respective churches, and how they used the collection money. The Presbyterian Minister said that after the congregation had all left he would take the collection into the adjoining hall where he would stand facing along a line painted across the hall, throw the collection into the air, and all the money that landed on the right side was the Lords for the running of the church, and all that landed on the left was for himself. The Methodist Minister said that he did something similar and he took the collection into his hall when everyone had gone, where he had a six foot circle painted, and he would stand in the circle and throw the collection into the air and all the money landing in the circle was for him and all that landed outside was for the upkeep of the church. They both looked at the Church of England Minister, he said "Oh men of little faith, when The Lord and I divide the takings I take the collection into the hall, I look up to heaven and I say, are you ready Lord you know the drill, and I hurl the takings upwards, the lord takes what he needs and what is left lands on the ground for me."

On the return trip the coach was traveling beside a deep ravine, a truck traveling in the opposite direction burst a front tyre as it approached on a bend, and swerved towards the coach, the coach driver automatically swerved towards the safety rails to avoid the truck. The coach crashed into the rails and the truck hit the coach which toppled into the depths of the ravine and the river flowing through it. The thirtytwo clergymen were all killed only the driver escaped.

Well shortly afterwards there are these thirtytwo clergymen ringing the bell outside the Pearly Gates, St. Peter opens the gates and welcomes the Ministers and takes them through to the reception. He tells them that he will dispense with the usual interrogation until morning and they can go to the desk and collect a key to their rooms and get cleaned up and have a good nights sleep. Just then an Angel rushes in, comes up to St. Peter and whispers in his ear. St. Peter calls out that there has been a change of plan, that they are about to be visited by an important man who has put the fear of God into the hearts of many men. He directs some of the Ministers to collect the royal red carpet in the corner and roll it out from the reception area to the Pearly Gates, and for the Ministers to line up 16 each side as a guard of honour. St. Peter then walks through the guard of honour to open the gates.

In comes a man dressed in a black suite, black shoes, black trilby, black gloves, black tie, black socks, carrying a black briefcase, but he was wearing a white shirt. St. Peter welcomes the man warmly and escorts him through the guard of honour to the reception where he orders the key to the executive suite, then he calls two Angels, one to carry the briefcase, one to show the way, carry the key, and open the door to his suite. In the meantime the Ministers have gathered together and are inquiring of one another as to who the important visitor can be. One Minister said I recognise him he is a member of my Parish, he only comes to church once a year, and never donates to the church, I wouldn't call him important, He's a tax inspector. Just then St. Peter rejoins the group of Ministers and one of them says to St. Peter what was so important about the man in black, he is only a tax inspector, whereas we are men of the cloth. St. Peter takes a step back looks the Ministers up and down and says. "Do you know - that man - all on his own, has put the fear of God into more men than all of you lot put together."

Good News, Bad News

The Pope called together a meeting of the cardinals and said "I have some good news for you and some bad news. The good news is that our blessed Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, has returned to the earth for the long awaited Second Coming, and the Day of Judgment is at hand." There was an exalted silence for a few moments and then one cardinal said, "But Holy Father, with good news like that, what's the bad news?" "The bad news is that the information reached us from Salt Lake City."

Prize Bull

A prize bull was on display at an agricultural show. It was kept in a special enclosure and there was a charge of $1.00 per adult to see the mighty beast, children free accompanied by an adult. A man with twelve children took his whole family along and the ticket attendant said "Are all these children yours?" "They certainly are" said the man. "Well you wait here a minute" said the attendant, "And I'll bring the bull out to see you."

Magician and his Parrot

A magician was on his way to India to perform a vanishing elephant trick for a Rajah, the magician had a pet talking parrot. On the way over by boat the magician was hired to perform magic to the passengers. Now the parrot had a nasty habit of calling out 'fake, fake' every time the magician made something disappear, the magician would get quite upset about this, and finally told the parrot he would think up a trick to fool him. A little while later the sirens went off, the ship was sinking fast. The magician eventually surfaced and found a piece of wreckage to cling onto. The parrot came fluttering down and alighted alongside the magician and strutted up and down squawking, finally it said 'okay okay, I give up, where is it'.

Cat on the Roof

There was a man of 35 who lived with his mother, never married, and he had a pet cat which was the pride and joy of his life. He hardly ever went out other than to get the shopping, just doted on his cat. He even followed it in the garden to protect it from other cats and dogs, and looked after his mother. One day his less reliable brother came to visit, and said "Look Ted it's about time you had a break, you should go away overseas or something, have a holiday. Here's some brochures. you choose where to go and I'll arrange it, and I'll come and look after mother and the cat while you are gone."

Well eventually Ted's brother manages to convince Ted to go. Ted eventually finds the hotel in Austria where he is to stay, and as soon as he gets to his room he phones home, his brother answers the phone. "Hey why didn't you tell me no one here speaks English, by the way how's the cat." "Cat's dead" says his brother. Ted immediately faints under the strain and bangs his head on the edge of a chair.

It is late the next morning before Ted is sufficiently recovered to phone home again. His brother answers the phone. "Hey" says Ted, "You handled that badly yesterday, you could have broken the news more gently." "How" says his brother, "If the cat's dead, the cat's dead". "Well" says Ted "You should have done it in stages. The first day you say The cat's got into a bit of a scrap and it's climbed up onto the roof, the neighbour's getting a ladder to get it down. The next day I phone you you say I took the cat to the vet they've patched him up and kept him in for observation. The next day when I phone you you tell me the injuries are serious and they've put the cat in the cat hospital. And finaly on the fourth day you tell me the cat is dead. You got that?"

"Yeah" says his brother "I think so". "By the way" says Ted "How's mother". "Well" says his brother "Right at the moment mother's up on the roof, phone me tomorrow".

No brain

A veteran Sergeant training a squad of new recruits was out on a route march with his squad. He halted the squad and addressed the men. "Do you see that river down the valley" he asked, "Yes", said the men. Well that proves it is there. "Do you see that boulder up the hill there". "Yes", said the men. "Well that proves it is there". Pointing up to the sky the sergeant asked "Do you see God", "No" said the men. "That proves there is no God" said the sergeant.

There was an awkward silence then one of the soldiers asked if he could adress the squad. The sergeant gave his permission. The soldier stepped forward and addressed the men. Pointing to the sergeant he said "do you see the sergeant's tie". "Yes" said the men. "Do you see the sergeant's boots". "Yes" said the men. Pointing to the sergeant's head he asked. "Do you see the sergeant's brains". "No" said the men. "So what does that prove" He asked.

That man Mose

A Mother asked her six year old son what he had learnt at sunday school that day. "Well"! he said screwing his eyes up as he pondered, "We learnt about Moses crossing the red sea with the Israelites". "Tell me about it" said his mother.

"Well Moses was the General of the Israelite army, and the army were defending the Israelite people as they escaped from the Egyptians." The little boy was warming up to his story now and getting exited. "The Egyption army were chasing them so Moses ordered his commandos to the rear to fight the Egyption army and lay land mines and explosives to delay them. At the same time Moses sent the Engineers ahead to build a pontoon bridge over the Red Sea and then lay dynamite charges underneath. Moses stationed the Infantry in strategic positions at the bridge and got the people safely to the other side then radioed the commandoes to retreat accross the bridge while the infantry let off a heavy bombardment at the Egyptian army. He then ordered the infantry to race accross the bridge to safety. When the Egyptions discovered the bombardment had ceased they rushed onto the bridge and moses ordered the engineers to blow it up. All the Egyptions on the bridge were killed or drowned".

The boy looked expectantly at his mother. But his mother was looking puzzled. "Are you sure that is what your teacher taught you" she said. "Well" said the little boy defiantly, "If I told you what she told me you wouldn't believe it".

Sharing the Cookies

A man was at the airport awaiting his flight. He was a High Priest and he had arrived with plenty of time on hand. To fill in time he went to one of the shops and bought a packet of cookies and a paper and then went across to a row of seats. There were three seats in the centre of the row so he sat in the centre one placing his things on the other seats.

As he sat there reading his paper he saw out of the corner of his eye a hand reach out and open the packet of cookies and take one. He was aware there was a man sitting across the seat from him but decided to pretend not to have noticed. He reached out and took a biscuit himself. The hand came again and took another biscuit. The audacity of it he thought, but still we are taught that we should share with others, so deciding not to say anything he took another cookie. The man across the seat must have decided to keep ahead of him because there came that hand again and took another cookie, and still not a word. So the High Priest took another of his cookies. He decided to play the waiting game. Soon the hand was at it again and another cookie went. By the way, there is an end to this story. There were eleven cookies in the packet. Well it came to five each with one remaining in the packet. The High Priest wondered what he should do. It was the other man's turn, but after all, they were his cookies. Should he be gracious and in the true spirit of sharing let the other man have the remaining biscuit?

Just then the decision was taken from him. The hand reached out and took the last biscuit - broke it in half, and put half back in the packet. The High Priest took the remaining half and ate it. Just then a new flight was announced. The other man picked up the empty cookie packet and crunched it up, stood up and picked up his bags, smiled at the High Priest and walked towards the flight gates dropping the packet into a waste bin on the way. The next flight to be called was the High Priest's, he picked up his things and went off and boarded the plane, he was puzzling over the strange experience during the flight, and felt like sharing the strange incident with the lady sitting next to him, but she seemed busy reading a magazine, besides it would seem like he was blowing his own trumpet, to say what a good Christian he was, so he didn't. When he reached his destination airport he hired a cab to take him to the hotel, once again he felt like sharing the story with the cab driver but thought better of it.

Finally arriving at the hotel he booked in, went to his room, opened his bag, and there at the top of his bag was the exact same packet of biscuits he had been sharing with the man at the airport.

Transport Jokes

Cars

Why did the man call his car 'baby'? Because it never went out without a rattle.

What do you write on a dead car's tombstone? Rust In Peace.

Did you hear about the man who kept driving his car into the pond? He wanted to dip his headlights!

While he was driving, he kept opening the door - to let the clutch out!

He took his car to the cathedral every Sunday - so it could have a service!

A New Way to do Panelbeating.

Someone was driving home after a basketball game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. The car was covered with dents, so the next day the driver took it to a repair shop. The shop owner decided to have some fun. He told the driver just to go home and blow into the exhaust pipe really hard, and the air would force all the dents to pop out. So the driver went home, got down on hands and knees and started blowing into the exhaust pipe. Nothing happened. Blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. A friend came by and asked, "What are you doing?"

The driver explained how the repairman had given instructions to blow into the exhaust pipe really hard in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The friend looked utterly amazed at the driver's stupidity and said, "Uh, like, hello! You'll never get enough air in there like that.

You need to close up the windows first!"

Trains

London Underground announcements

Listed below are genuine announcements made by tube drivers on the London Underground:

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): "Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines,see if I care, I'm going home."

"Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a bin on wheels"

"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and back home each day and not even a card. "The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination. We may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line - simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the person in front or beside you or opposite you. Let me start you off: "Hi, my name's Gary, how do you do?"

"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly ... usually in bits."

"Please mind the closing doors ..." The doors close ... The doors reopen. "Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let's try it again. Please stand clear of the doors." The doors close ... "Thank you."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any".

Planes

Morris and Esther

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Air Pilot Landing

As we came in to land at Mangere Airport The assistant pilot was at the controls. He touched down on the tarmac and the next moment the plane was bumping across the grass. "Gosh" said the assistant pilot hanging onto the flight controls, "That was a short runway" "Yeah" said the pilot sardonically, "but look how wiiiide it is"

Various Jokes

Jokes of all kinds to make you smile.

The value of a smile.

A smile costs nothing, but gives much. It reaches those who receive without making poorer those who give. It takes only a moment, but the memory sometimes lasts a lifetime. None is so rich or mighty that he can get along without it, and no one is so poor but that he can be made richer by it. A smile creates happiness in the home, fosters goodwill in business, and is the countersign of friendship. It brings rest to the weary and cheer to the discouraged. A smile is sunshine to the sad and is nature's best antidote for trouble. Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed or stolen, for it is of no value to anyone until it is given away. Some people are too tired to give you a smile. Give them one of yours as no one needs a smile so much as those who have no more to give.

A smile shortens the d.i.s.t.a.n.c.e. between two people.

Question: Why are you staring at that orange drink bottle?

• Answer: Because it says on the label, "Concentrate!"

Question: Why do nails always have a headache?

• Answer: Because the hammer keeps hitting them on the head.

Why was 6 sad?

• Because 7 8 9.

Why was 1 glad when 3 8 5?

• Because it left 2 4 6.

Question: Which is fastest - hot or cold?

• Answer: Hot. You can catch cold!

What has a tongue but cannot talk - a shoe.

• Has legs but cannot walk - a chair.
• Has a head but cannot think - a pin.
• Has eyes but cannot see - a packet of needles.

How can you spell candy with 2 letters?

• C and Y.

When did the alphabet contain only 3 vowels?

• Before U and I were born.

Why should you be careful about telling secrets in a vegetable garden?

• Because corn has ears, potatoes have eyes, and beans talk.

Did you hear about the hold-up in the yard?

• Two clothes pegs held up a pair of pants.

Why didn't the skeleton want to go to the party?

• Because he had no body to go with.

What do ghosts eat for dessert?

• I scream and boo berry pie.

what is purple and has sixty legs and big orange teeth?

• I don't know, but if you see one, run for your life!

Why didn't the woman get any sleep?

• Because she plugged her electric blanket into the toaster and kept popping out of bed.

Why do witches ride on broomsticks?

• Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.

An American tourist walking around Windsor Castle was overheard asking, "The noise of planes taking off wrecks the atmosphere. Why did they build it so close to the airport?"

Famous Indian

Do you remember that long word from the old film, 'Mary Poppins'? Supercalifragilistic Expialidosious. Well, here's the Indian version.

• Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot most of the time which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath.
• This made him...what?
• A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!!

What I got

When God gave out brains I thought He said trains - so I missed mine.

• When God gave out looks I thought He said books - so I said I wasn't interested.
• When He gave out legs I thought He said eggs - so I asked for the largest size.
• When He gave out teeth I thought He said tea - so I said I didn't want any.
• When He gave out noses I thought He said roses so I ordered a big one.
• Oh boy! Am I a mess!

Steak

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

• He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
• The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat you get free drinks for the whole night."
• "Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
• "Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers. "Do you want to try?"
• "No, but thanks anyway."
• "Why not?", asks the barman.
• "The steaks are too high."

Seven things to say

The top seven things you should say when your boss catches you sleeping at your desk:

"They told me at the blood donor centre that this might happen."

• "Phew! Guess I left the top off the correction fluid."
• "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people."
• "Why did you interrupt me? I had our biggest problem solved!"
• "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."
• "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic."
• "Amen. Yes, may I help you?"

Here's Your Sign!

Some people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm thick". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them for help or anything. It would be like, "Excuse me, would you ... oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like the day my wife and I moved house. Our house was full of boxes and there was a rental truck in our driveway. Someone from down the road comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?"

"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine. When we got back we pulled his boat into the dock. I lifted up this big 'ol string of fish and this person on the dock calls out, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"

"Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit - and there's only one way to test it. "All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good. They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."

"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, "Tire go flat?"

I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me and sucked all the air out of this one! Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "darn that's hot!"

See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

More Short Jokes

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Someone sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Boyfriend's Emergency

A woman and her boyfriend are out in the woods hunting.

• All of a sudden the boyfriend falls to the ground.
• He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
• The woman whips out her cell phone and calls for an ambulance.
• She gasps to the operator, "I think my boyfriend just died. What can I do?"
• The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help.
• First, lets make sure he's dead."
• There is a silence.
• Then a shot is heard.
• The woman says, "OK, now what?

Dying husband

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth from the man's heartfelt memories of their life together.

"I think you're bad luck."

Garden needed digging

An old man lived alone in Idaho. When spring came he wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work, and he was unable to do it without help.

Unfortunately, his only son, who would have helped him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply: "FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the money!"

At 4:00 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen arrived and dug up the entire garden, but left without finding any money.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened and asking what it all meant. His son's reply was: "You can plant your potatoes now, Dad. That was the best I could do from here."

Good workout for body building

For all of us trying to stay in shape, this is a good workout. I started by standing outside, behind the house and, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extended my arms straight out to my sides and held them there as long as I could.

After a few weeks I moved up to 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks and finally I got to where I could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Next, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.

New Investment Company Names

In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implode, I wanted to make my friends aware of the next expected mergers so you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations occuring soon, and make yourself a bundle of money.

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and become :Polly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Mfg., Audi Motor Car, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge to become, of course, ZipAudiDoDa.
5. Federal Express is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and consolidate as: FedUP
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the Nat'l Org. of Women will become: Knott NOW!

That's all I have right now. Invest wisely!

Trivial - but interesting

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

1. Coca-Cola was originally green.
2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
3. Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
4. The American state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work is Alask.
5. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38.
6. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
7. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
8. The youngest pope was 11 years old.
9. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
10. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesa.
11. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,32.
12. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
13. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
14. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that make them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
15. What occurs more often in December than any other month? Conception.
16. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace.
17. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? Obsessio.
18. If you were to spell out numbers, like one, two, three, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? One thousan.
19. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laserprinters all have in common? All invented by women.
20. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? Hone.
21. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year? Father's Da.
22. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? He was allergic to carrots.
23. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
24. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon.
25. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's.
26. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
27. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

Would you believe it!

Repairs

This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by e-mail. (Does YOUR e-mail work without a telephone line?).

Credit Card

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Deer Crossing

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

Lettuce

My daughter went to a local fast-food place and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

Farewell

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that eyes-glazed stare.

Airport

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Locked car

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know I already got that side."

Blind people

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

Now don't you feel better?

Why is it ... ?

1. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken out skin?
2. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
3. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
4. Why don't you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery?
5. Why is abbreviated such a long word?
6. Why is a boxing ring square?
7. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
8. Why is it that doctors call what they do practice?
9. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
10. Why is it that to stop your computer, you have to click on Start?
11. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
12. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
14. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
15. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
16. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
17. Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
18. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
19. If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?
20. If two planes almost collide in mid air, why is it called a Near miss?
21. If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
22. Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
23. What do chickens think we taste like?
24. What do people in China call their good plates?
25. What do you call a male ladybug?
26. What hair colour do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
27. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
28. Why didn't Noah swat those two fly's & two mosquitoes?
29. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
30. Why do they call it a pair of pants, but only 1 bra?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
33. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
34. If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of Progress?
35. Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
36. Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
37. Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
38. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
39. If the local store is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
40. You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
41. If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
42. If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
43. If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
44. If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
45. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a Drive-up ATM?
46. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
47. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
48. What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
49. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
50. Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

Stray Thoughts

1. Birds of a feather flock together - and mess on your car.
2. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
3. Did you ever notice about the Inland Revenue Service when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
4. The main purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is ... a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. He who hesitates is ... probably right.
10. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions

THE LECTURE

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

• "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
• "I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
• "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
• "My wife." said the man.

STUCK UNDER A BRIDGE

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

WHAT A RELIEF

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk."The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?""Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

A few thoughts from Steven Wright

• Half the people you know are below average.
• OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
• What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
• If you have an open mind do your brains kept falling out.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Grammatical Exercise

Found in Britain....and remember, it's their language!

Spotted in a toilet of a London office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK, OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Two Pieces of String

Two pieces of string went into a pub and asked for a couple of pints. "Sorry we don't serve pieces of string here" says the bartender. The pieces of string left the bar and decided to disguise themselves and try again. So they they tied themselves into a knot and frayed the ends, and went back into the bar and asked for a pint. "Aren't you the two pieces of string who were here before" said the barman. "Fraid not" said the pieces of string.(Frayed knot)

Ice Rink

An Australian was fishing when suddenly he heard a voice from overhead. "There are no fish under the ice" the voice boomed. The Australian dropped his rod in panic and said in a trembling voice, "Is that you God?" "No", thundered the voice, "I'm the manager of the ice rink.

Travelling salesman

There was this salesman who travelled all over the west monday to sat afternoon every week. One Saturday afternoon he arrives home and his wife comes rushing out to greet him her face flushed with exitement. "Guess what she said, and without waiting for him to guess she blurted out I've bought five hens and two roosters so we can have our own eggs". "Honey" he laughed "Everyone knows you don't need two roosters for five hens". With a glint in her eye his wife replied "You sure as heck does if one of them's travelling all the time".

Telling a Lie

At our last Stake Conference one of the Speakers had a novel way of starting his talk. "Brothers and Sisters" he said "It is usual to start a talk by either telling a story or telling a lie. Well I don't have a story so I would like to thank the Stake President for giving me the opportunity to speak to you today."

Knelt Beside Bed

To understand this story you have to know that in the old days when I was little, children had a potty under the bed in case they wanted to go in the night, and also when it was dark and cold children used it before going to bed.

There was an Insurance salesman who travelled out in the wagwaps of America visiting the farms straddled around the countryside. and he had many clients and would visit them once a year at least. He would arrange to stay overnight at the farms as he went around. On this particular night he finished his business with the farmer around 8.00pm and the farmer said that they all went to bed early as he had to get up early to milk the cows. The Insuranceman would be sleeping in the spare bed in his eight year old sons bedroom. So the Insuranceman sees to his normal ablutions and he and the boy are changing into their pyjamas at the same time. the boy kneels down beside the foot of his bed and the Insuranceman feels impressed and reverently kneels down beside him. The boy looks at the man in surprise and says "What are you doing", the man says "well the same as you", The boy says "cor you won't half cop it if my Mum finds out, she hasn't put a potty at your end of the bed".

Little Red Headed Schoolteacher

On another occasion the Insuranceman was running late for his evening call due to having had a breakdown, realising there was no way he was going to reach his destination until well after dark as it was now dusk, he decided to pull in to a farm he hadn't been to before, after all he might be able to get some extra business as well as a bed for the night. He knocks on the farmhouse door and the farmer opens the door.

The Insuranceman explains his plight and asks if the farmer could put him up for the night. "Waal don't rightly know about that", says the farmer, "we does have a spare room with a spare bed in it but the little red headed school teacher lodges with us and sleeps in the other bed". The Insuranceman realising he is about to miss out on the spare bed says "look I'm a responsible married man, I have high moral values, I will be on my best behaviour, if you will let me have the bed for the night I promise I will be a perfect gentleman". "Waal" says the farmer scratching his head, "guess that should be allright then, the little red headed school teacher is a perfect genlman also".

Wedding Ring

Was on a plane the other day sitting next to a businessman and couldn't help noticing he was wearing his wedding ring on the wrong finger. After a while I felt I should point it out to him, "aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger" I said, "Sure am" he said, "Married the wrong woman".

Five Hundrded Excuses

A door to door salesman knocked at the door of a typical suburban house in Melbourne. "Good morning" he said, "Would you like to buy a copy of 'Five Hundred Excuses to tell your Wife for Staying Out Late'? "Why on earth would I want a book like that?" said the lady who answered the door. "Because", replied the salesman, "I sold a copy to your husband at his office this morning".

Farmer's Specimen

An old Aussie farmer went to his doctor for a medical examination. His doctor had told him to bring a specimen with him, and he handed over a large bottle, which was nearly full. The doctor examined the specimen and then said, "Excellent - nothing wrong with that at all". When he got home some time later, the farmer said to his wife, "Good news dear,. Neither you nor I, nor the kids, nor grandpa or grandma, nor the horse have a thing wrong with us!"

Stick Snake

An explorer was walking through the Australian bush when he came across a snake lying across the path. He picked up a stick to hit it with, and then he noticed that it wasn't a snake at all but a stick. "I was absolutely terrified: he told a friend that evening. "But if it was only a stick," said his friend, "why were you terrified?" "Because," said the explorer, "the stick I picked up to hit it with, was a snake!"

Ventriloquist

This ventriloquist feller decides to go down to the pub and takes his dummy with him, that way he gets free drinks while he entertains his mates. Well he's sitting there with the dummy on his knee and the dummy is telling Irish jokes. There's a big brawny guy leaning against the counter, six foot four in his socks, he is not looking pleased about the jokes although the ventriloquists mates are all chortling away. Eventualy he walks over to where the ventriloquist is sitting and shoving his way through he stands in front of the ventriloquist and says. "I'm fed ip with all your jokes about me countrymen, we may not be as daft as you are making out." The ventriloquist apologised profusely and said he had not ment to offend anyone, and promised not to tell any more Irish jokes. the Irishman said, "Oh, it's not you I,m annoyed with it's your son sitting on your knee, he's the one making fun of me."

Time's Running Out

Henry and Nancy were an older couple and had moved out west when Henry had retired. They had a small holding with a two room cabin, fruit trees, berry bushes vegetable garden, chickens, goats, pigs, a milking cow, and a whisky still. Henry also did a bit of shooting and trapping. Every few weeks they would hitch the horse to the buggy and ride off to town, trading with the other farmers on the way. Then they would sell all their surplus and the furs from Henry's hunting and trapping, purchase the supplies they needed and head back to their cabin. Well it seemed they had just about everything they needed. Then, one evening as they were having dinner Henry said "You know Nancy, there's one thing I reckon we're missing, I reckon one of them clocks that cuckoos, the ones with the weights hanging down would set our little cabin off just right. What do you think Nancy? Well Nancy agreed, and they discussed where to put the clock when they had enough money to buy one.

On their next trip to town, after they had done all their trading and purchasing they went along to the store and were able to purchase a cuckoo clock. It was late afternoon when, after wrapping their precious clock in blankets and wedging it securely in the back of the buggy, they headed off to their two room cabin. It was nearly dark when they arrived home, and so while Nancy prepared a meal, Henry saw to the horse, fed the animals and then installed the cuckoo clock on the wall and set the time. when they had nearly finished their meal out popped the cuckoo ten times performing perfectly, Henry and Nancy were delighted with their acquisition.

They sat there in silence for a little while, then Henry said "You know Nancy it would be a shame to leave that cuckoo to cuckoo all night to himself, how about if we sit back in our chairs with a blanket and keep him company, he's gonna have a real big job at midnight and we oughta give him a bit of applause'. So they stay up all night in their chairs waking with a start every time the cuckoo emerges. The next evening Nancy says to Henry that she is too tired to stay up another night so Henry agrees to let her go to bed while he stays up to look after the cuckoo. Well everything goes OK until midnight, when after cuckooing twelve times the cuckoo carries on, 13, 14, 15, and Henry is getting alarmed, 16. Henry jumps up and rushes into the bedroom, and shakes Nancy, 17, "quick Nancy he says wake up, wake up". Nancy wakes and the cuckoo goes for the 18th time, what's the matter says Nancy. "I don't know" says Henry "but that there cuckoo is about to cuckoo for the nineteenth time in a row, and it's never been as late as this before.

Luck O' The Irish

Gannaway and O'Casey arranged to fight a duel with pistols. Gannaway was quite fat, and when he saw his lean opponent facing him he objected. "Debar" he said, "I am twice as fat as he is, so I ought to stand twice as far away from him as he is to me. 'Absolutely logical but how can you do it?' "Be easy now" replied his second. "I will soon put that right." And taking a piece of chalk from his pocket he drew two lines down the fat man's coat, leaving a reasonable space between them. 'Now," he said, turning to O'Casey, "fire away, and remember any hits outside those chalk lines don't count."

Psychiatrist

Mrs Moskowitz was bursting with pride. "Did you hear about my son Louie?" she asked her neighbour. "No what is with your son Louie?" "He is going to a Psychiatrist. Twice a week he is going to a psychiatrist." "Is that good?" "of course it's good. Ninety dollars an hour he pays - Ninety dollars - and all he talks about is me."

The King

Back in the 1950s, My time, one of the best ways struggling new talent could start on the road to fame and fortune was to appear on a nationally televised program called the "Ted Mack Amateur Hour." A singer from Tenessee tried out for the show, but failed the audition. Today few people remember the Ted Mack Amateur Hour, or any of the winners of the auditions. But every year, long after his death, the legend of the singer who failed the audition grows. His name - Elvis Presley.

Hitting the Gas

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the lane and worked their way to the other end of the lane. At the last house a woman looking out of her window watched the man and trainee as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the supervisor challenged the trainee to a foot race back to the truck. As they came running up to the truck, they realised the lady from the last house was huffing and puffing right behind them . They stopped and asked her what was wrong?

Gasping for breath , she replied, "When I saw two gas men running for all they were worth up the lane, I figured I had better run too!"

Hunting Party

A group of hunters in the depths of an African forrest decided to split up and meet back in the clearing three hours later. It was agreed that if any of them got lost, he would shoot into the air three times to alert the others. After about two hours one member of the party found himself hopelessly lost, so as arranged he shot three times into the air. Nothing happened, so he shot three times more. Nobody came. "I hope somebody comes soon" he muttered to himself, "I've nearly run out of arrows."

Girlfriend's Picture

A soldier serving overseas received a photo from his girlfriend which showed two couples arm in arm while she sat alone to one side. In the accompanying letter she explained she was being very good and saving herself just for him. Delighted, he showed the photo and letter to a friend. His pal studied them carefully and then said, "yes but who took the picture?"

Butting In

Once I was on a long distance trip and I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went into the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall...

"Hi there, how is it going?"

OK, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, but I replied: "Not bad I guess."

Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?"

I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm going back east to see some friends and just try to relax..."

Then I hear the person say: "Look, I'm going to have to call you back. Every time I ask you a question, some idiot in the next stall keeps answering."

Why Did Chicken Cross Road

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

COLIN POWELL: Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq's ambassador): The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tonnes of nerve gas on it

RALPH NADER: The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other side. That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of moulting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine - all the chickens crossing roads - in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability.

VOLTAIRE: I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released e-Chicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chequebook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

COLONEL SANDERS OF KFC: I missed one?